A shrift to my nation

"Forgiveness could wash away the sins of the past and make a person a new man."

It was a snowy evening and random thoughts were running out of my mind. I miss my country land, the ray of sunshine, the morning dew, and even the faces of people sweetly smiling despite hunger. I’m still hoping to get things back the way they used to be. I know that people hated me or even cursed me for stealing their money but I’m still asking for their forgiveness though I know that I’m not worthy of that. I'm wishing for that peace everyday … every night. My fellowmen were blaming me for everything, hunger, lack of facilities and education, and the whole progress of our country. They thought I’d never done good things in my whole life. Some of them might already forget my story and I’m sure that no one pitied my death. Yes, my death! They believed that I died - - brutally died. The story happened six years ago when people were rallying at Camp Bagong Diwa, the place they thought where I am, but I wasn't really there and I never spent a single moment there. I told them not to imprison me and they should protect me in exchange for my silence. The rally started when the media told the people that I was found not guilty of all the accusations. People were throwing stones, they have placards saying that they would shot my head off and that I should live in hell. The celebrities were also part of the rally, led by the most famous gay celebrity at that time. To settle things, when the rallyists already left, a bomb explosion was done at the place. The news said that someone bombed the place to intentionally kill me, they even told the people that they found my remains brutally scattered in the place. Nobody died in the explosion and the story was all planned by our leader. They send me here to the United States and provided me a place to live and of course an amount in exchange for my silence. They were correct and their ideas were great. I am now free from those people who wanted to kill me. I can now do things I couldn't do before but I am not really free. My fellowmen were happy about my death and I felt very sad about that. The cowardice to tell them the truth remained to play inside me, I want to tell them that beyond all the corruptions was my love for my country. I never had the chance to tell them that the head of corruption was the person sitting in the white house. I couldn't because of the threat. No one wants to hear them called a “gambler” or “queen of scam” but I’m sure that no one would want to see their loved ones be killed in an exchange of silence. So I just invoked my rights. Now, I can still feel the judgments from them but I am powerless to settle things now. I’m here in a strange land where people have no idea of my background. No questions. No doubts. No threats. No judgments. But silence. The moment of regrets always come, I should not let my pleasures buried me in the evilness of money, I should not let their promises killed my dignity, I should not let others suffer from poverty and mostly, I should not let our leader used my name to polish his corrupt image. Life is very ironic, most people were striving to survive, they have nothing except for freedom while others, like me, have all the pleasure a person would wish to have but I am not free. The news from my land has no progress, I heard that the condition there was getting worst, even the leaders. The senators who were involved in the circle of the issue during my time were found not guilty and still holding their positions. Our leader was elected again as the president, he was now suffering from a lung disease, they found out that cancer was eating his body little by little but it seems like his hands were still healthy to do the magic of corruption. People are powerless to resist the system and no one has the courage to go against the officials because they know that it would not make any help. I'm hoping that God would shower wisdom to those officials to make them realize all their evil deeds and make their lives meaningful for everyone. I don’t know why I am writing this letter but I hope that one day, the air of regrets would bring forgiveness from my nation. I also wish that they would find a leader whose missions are not only to control our country and earn much but to make our land worth living for.

                                                                                                                                          sincerely,

                                                                                                                                          PB Queen

A leader in hell

"Chances are only given to those who will swallow their mistakes and willing to follow the path of God"

Life is unfair. We don’t know when we’re going to die and where we’re going afterlife. I don’t know where I am, this place was opposite to the one I’m expecting. I know that I already died and I am moving with my spiritual body now, and spirits go to heaven … but I was not in heaven. If I’m not mistaken, heaven is a peaceful paradise as of garden of Eden but this one’s different. There were no plants but rocks, the waves of fire were continuously flowing and I am all alone here. I can’t even see angels but images of animals. I don’t want the idea running out of my mind but the feeling of fear was embracing my thoughts. I was in .. h-e-l-l. No! this couldn't be hell! I shouldn't be here! I know that I've done better in my entire life and I can count those to God one by one if he wants me to. I helped the poor people, I provided education to the youths, I even go to church with my sisters and I’m sure that those are enough for Him to reckon me in heaven. Suddenly, I heard a big step from my back, as I turn my head, I saw a colored man with red-silk something on his back, an eye like a fire, lips as black as charcoal and a very big fork on his hands. I was scared and I’m not really sure if he was Sa .. tan but I thought he was. “Welcome!” he said while offering his hands. I neglected to give mine and my body was shaking, my mouth can whisper no words and my foot seems glued on the place where I am standing. “Yes. You’re in hell!” he said again. This time, goosebumps were flowing on my whole body. “w..h..y?” I asked. He took a glance at me then stare at the fire that was swiftly dancing on the rocks and say “ you’re asking me why huh? Couldn't you remember? You stole the money of your people and you let them suffer the bitter side of life.” I shook my head “but I didn't steal all … I just … stole some … I mea-“ “you still stole their money” he interrupted. “then why am I alone here? This place must’ve many politicians. The previous administrations? My allies? The queen of pork?” I asked. “So you’re really responsible for all your sins. Be patient! We’ll wait for ‘em” he stared at me “ and those who died? They asked for forgiveness and so they were saved by God” he continued. “No! I’d helped the victims of a typhoon so He should also save me!” I yelled. He put his hands with a big fork up high and say “you never help them, you just return what they’d paid you, you’re land has many places not only one, people seek help from you because they trust you and they believe you’re a good leader. Typhoon victims were not only hundreds but thousands but you never …” "It was not my responsibility!” I shouted “No! it’s yours! People are responsible for their own lives, you as well. But you were chosen by Him to help His people. You were given the chance to perform His goodness but what you've done was mine and that’s the reason why you’re here” he said impatiently. “How? How ? I’ll ask for forgivene- -“ “you can’t change everything now my dear. It’s too late 'cause you’re already mine” he said with an evil laugh. My eyes were full of tears and my heart was lunging from fear. I don’t know what to do and how to escape from this place. I want to undo things and ask for His guidance but it’s too late. I was lost. I realized how faulty I spent my life, making my people suffer from hunger and poverty and leave them without any progress. I also realized that I wasted the chance I had to rule my country and make it worth living for everyone. I should’ve inspired people, families, and societies. I should’ve shown them the beauty of life. The regrets sank into my heart when I felt someone holding tightly my left hand. I tried to open my eyes, I saw a bright light, I turned my head to look who’s the person beside me, it was my sister crying “he’s awake!’ she shouted. That’s when I realized that I was in the hospital lying in a sickbed with some machines on my side. They told me that I was comatose for thirteen days and my countrymen were praying for me. The flash of memories played mellowly on my mind, it was my dream. A meaningful dream which leads me to the right path in life. I can’t still say a word but my eyes were full of tears. This is the chance that I asked for before and I will not waste this, not only because I don’t want to live in hell but because I want to fulfill my responsibilities and I should leave a legacy before my death, for I know that it was imminent. I’ll make my land worth living for and my countrymen worth dying for.

Thoughts of vehemence ...

I was texting him all day but I didn't receive a single reply, I was even calling his phone but it was unattended. I don’t know if he’s just busy or sleeping or if he just doesn't want to talk to me. I just wanted to know what the problem is and tell him that I missed him so much and of course to greet him a happy 13thmonthsarry but it seems like he forgot this special day. It was a rainy afternoon and I felt really bored so I went to the nearest tea house to whine up and since he was not responding to my texts I went there all alone. While I was busy dialing his number a vague figure caught my attention. It was a man holding the hand of a girl seated beside him; they are very sweet while exchanging smiles with each other. A very sweet couple. I don’t know who the girl is but I know the man, he was my boyfriend, my honeybunch, my love, my life. I felt like a rock crushed into pieces and the corner of my eyes was filled by the mist of pain so I decided to just go home and leave them without any words. I don’t want to hear his explanations, everything is clear and I know that before my eyes had witnessed those lies, my heart is already aware of what is happening. The end of our story is imminent. I’m willing to let him go anytime. I was lying in a bed of cafard when I received a message from him saying that we should end our relationship because his parents don’t like me. A big lie! I want to tell him what my eyes had seen before but I was speechless and I don’t want any farewell thoughts so I just replied okay and turn off my phone. All our precious memories vanished in an air of grief. The darkness was lamenting with my sadness and the night was pouring so much rain as if my heart were crying all the pain. Our romantic relationship was a big mistake and the prince who promised to be my king was fake. All the plans for our future were now a product of my lonely dreams. My heart was not only broken but shattered into pieces and I don’t know how to fix this or how to heal the scars. I thought those pieces will be scattered forever in the past. Four months later, I decided to start with bliss because there’s no use in stocking myself in the corner of grief and sadness. The moment that I thought would end my happy life became my strength, it leaves a lesson. I became a strong woman and I focused on other things such as writing poems and reading novels. It opened my eyes that I have so many friends who will never leave me no matter what happened. I realized the real definition of trust and I also realized that true love cannot be found in other’s company, love is in our heart and we should love ourselves first to share it with others. Now, I’m glad we’re friends; I forgive him because I want to continue the flow of my life, the scars were healed and the tears were replaced by laughter. I am very thankful because he taught me so many things about life, those experiences I shared with him and he made me realized one thing I never thought I am capable of doing, and that is to continue my life without him.

A story once played

Once in a stirring summer day

He met the ardent damsel he wanted to marry

He asked her to be his girl

She uttered a mellow “yes”; then their story started to play

Once in the side of a creek

They shared sweet thoughts with each other

He hugs her with strange ecstasy

And gave her a sweet kiss on her cheeks

Once in a garden with some tulips

He asked her to marry him

She say “I do” and wear the ring

Then shared each other a kiss on their lips

Once in a dark room with no touch of bliss

They decided to do it now

Though they have not yet share a vow

And they did something more than kiss

Once in a scrap room without a floor

She got pregnant and lived with him

Her beauty can no longer be seen

And he never kisses her anymore

Once in his matted unplanned life

He started to beat her when he’s drunk

There’s no more sweetness in his heart

But a regret of having her as his wife

Once in a place that he can’t dub as home

He keeps battering the lady she adored before

Until she lies bloody on the floor

And say no words and just leave her alone

Once in a parish of St. Ives

He realized how much he love his wife

The lady he met during the summer day

And he asked Him ways in fixing their lives

Once in a scrap room where he decided to start their lives

The vague figure lies lifeless on the floor

With the blood flowing between her legs

And he started to cry cause the life was revoked from his child and wife

Once in a jail where he’s going to pay his debt

The cacophony of mem’ries was playing

 The history of slamming was fresh

And their love story had ceased to natural death

Once in a wretched summer day

He was all alone with the rancor of his deeds

His heart was full of pain and regrets

Cause their story can no longer play.

The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho

     “How do we find the courage to always be true to ourselves even if we are unsure of who we are?”

    
    “We all want to get closer to God, but what if life is always taking you further away from Him?”

The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho

       Sherine Khalil is a woman abandoned by her mother because her father was a foreigner. He was born in Transylvania and adopted by a Lebanese couple. The story starts with her death and is represented in a biography in narrative form.  The story was told by the people who knew her well.  When she was a child her uncle renames herself into Athena to betray her origins. So she preferred to be called Athena than Sherine. That time, she always told her mother that she keeps on seeing angels, saints and a woman dressed in white like a Virgin Mary. Later on, she discovered that it is a sign that she is closely living with God.

  
      The theme of the story is about searching one’s true self and opening to the energies of the world. One of the questions central in the story is "How do we find the courage to be true to ourselves- even if we are unsure of whom we are?”. In the story, Athena was described as a woman who will always be subject to envy, sadness, introversion and impulsive decision but  can’t be easily affected by negative vibrations. A woman who can be easily notice in the crowd. A woman who has a strong spirit. She goes into London University to pursue her dreams but then she decided to drop out, get married with Lukas Jessen-Petersen and have a baby. Two years later, her husband realized that he is not happy anymore and he is facing so many responsibilities because of being married at a very young age. So they get divorced and because of that, the church didn’t allow her to receive the sacrament of the body of Christ so she cursed everyone around her and the church for deviating stringent rules which has no connection in serving our God. She swears not to set her foot in church ever again. She grows into a woman in search of answers to many questions that arise within her and searches for the answer to the classical question of "Who am I?" through many experiences. On the apartment where she resides, she met a group of people who uses dance as a way of praising God. She joined the group and influenced many people with that dance, a journalist who fell in love with her, an actress who was her disciple and had a love- hate relationship with her, a doctor who was also her protector and teacher, a numerologist who did not know her personally, a manager of bank for which she initially worked as a clerk, a teacher of calligraphy, a gipsy restaurant owner who takes her to her real mother, her real mother, and a historian. They all witnessed how Athena performed miracles by changing their lives and perceptions. Athena once discovered music as one way of getting close to God but for her, it isn’t enough. So she find dancing as another way, whenever she dance, she always saw a light and that light is asking her to go further. She had influenced everyone to the point that she earned nicknames as “A witch” or a “Divine Manifestation”.

   
     The story also tackles  the belief  about the two faces of God. They believed that God has a feminine side and they call it the Great Mother. Through dancing, Athena was able to contact the Great Mother, and her name was transformed into Hagia Sofia when she’s in contact with the God. She became an intoxicating spiritual leader in London and her story was written in news papers believing that she is a cult and one of Satan’s members. The people wanted her to stop the teaching and imprisoned her and her child be send in an institution. To stop the gossip and protect their life of her child, she decided to hide in Oxford and let other people think that she is brutally murdered. She left the teaching but one of her disciples named Andrea, continued being the catalyst through spreading Athena’s influence.

    
    This great story does not only show how Athena found herself but also how she kept her faith with God despite of all the struggles that she had experience. It also tackles about fate, showing that the purpose of what we had experienced in the past will take place on the future which God prepared for us. Lastly, it gives us lessons about love. That we should not perceive love as a habit, commitment or a debt. It is not what romantic songs tell us it is - - Love simply is. It has no definition. We should love without asking too many questions.

The Lost Gem of the Ingénue

"Pain changes people, it can either build you or destroy you"

The Lost Gem of the Ingenue

I adore her so much. Her dazzling eyes that reflect a joyous feast, her rose-colored lips that cheerfully converse with everyone, her shiny hair that reveals her mesmerizing charisma, and a perfect smile that windows her enchanted life. I adore her because of her strong spirit and her power to walk to the labyrinth of happiness. That woman who can easily be noticed in the crowd and can be adored even by the same gender and who can blow air of positive vibes. That woman... That I adore... before. Then the light of her life turns into the red – it stopped.  Her enchanted life had ceased and the joy was only on the brink. She’s now standing in the temple of those melancholic thoughts. She was lost. She was no longer in the crowd but in the corner of the wall and no one adores her anymore. If only those steps of the day didn't come; that scenario that crashed her, that moment that breaks her life, that lunging sadness that transformed the woman I adored. I thought there’s nothing that can break her crown until someone flung her down. It happened that evening with promises of eternal love, her moans were occupying the four corners of the darkroom, that palm to palm moment that allows her to dream of that final walk and the final word she’d been rehearsing for the rest of her life. But after that romantic evening, nothing was left and no words were heard. She was alone and no vestige of her baronet was left, but only the ecstasy and agony and the sleepless nights. He took not only the plash of joy nor her vulnerable heart but also the precious gem she’d been keeping all along. The gem that cast her pride. The gem that she promised to devote to the man that will share a final walk with her. That gem is not comparable to any emerald and rubies. But she lost it and those memories buried her in a constant state of anxiety. Her eyes were no longer a reflection of joy and their corners were filled by the mist of cafard. Her lips were never red anymore but plain that makes her pale. Her hair was scattered that it covers her lovely face and the perfect smile disappeared. She was changed in just a blink of that deceiving night and her magnificent life became a battlefield. If only she could fight, but she’s powerless to efface that sickening instant. If only she could return that most precious thing of being a vestal. She was swallowing much morphine to ease the twinge inside her. If only I could grab her hands and show her the paradise that she used to live in before. If only I could show her the bridge of life where she can see the womenfolk laughing even without their gems, those women with the same scar at the corner of their hearts, those who unravel their lives. If only I could show her the man who can wholly accept her past and share his final “yes” with her. But I can’t help her. I can’t.  Because I can’t be the woman I was before.

Milestone

The sweetest part of my story

is when I, a young girl, turns into a lady;

No more ponytails but a crown

jeans and shirt turns into a gown

Every chuckle and meaningful laughs

reminds me of some kiddie stuff

forget not of days with playful bliss

and all my childhood memories

During my pre-school days

All nails painted with yellow

sneakers changed into stiletto

tiny ears with happy bunnies

shines now with fancy rubies

Symbolic gifts given by peers

special meanings shared with tears

young men waiting to dance

and give a rose if they had a chance

Dance for my 18 roses

Time had passed for nursing as a baby

'cause here's a world for maturity

to initiate morality

and live my life meaningfully.