"Some
people are not meant to stay with us together but their contributions in
finding ourselves will live with us forever”
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| The night in the darkroom of confusion |
I was her Baronet, a tall man with kinky hair, pinkish lips that had never been kissed by anyone, and a slightly shaved beard that makes me look more masculine. I’m exposed to people but I merely converse with them, I’m contented talking with my best buddy, a friend that I met during our college days, he’s not the kind of man who can catch anyone’s attention but the way he speaks would definitely show his intelligent, humor-side and manly personality. He’s a shoulder to lean on and he always reminds me that life is great and it will only come to those who believe in it. Everything is perfect when we’re together; life seems always to be happy and timeless with him. One day, he sends me his wedding invitation with a letter saying that he already found a girl that he wanted to spend his life with and that he’s looking forward to my future bride. I was hurt. The green light of my life turned red and the puzzle of me was taking place over my happiness. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way, I’m just his best friend and I don’t have the right to control him, my tears fell for no reason and I’m not sure if I was lamenting because we will be apart and our moments will just vanish on the days when we’re still young and women are not yet part of our lives or if I just don’t want anyone to take my place, catch his attention, stay beside him and do things we were doing together. I don’t want to be rude and this feeling leads me into confusion for I know that it’s not natural to feel this way. I still came to his wedding and gave him my best wishes and there I met a girl with dazzling eyes that reflect a joyous feast, rose-colored lips that cheerfully converse with everyone, shiny hair that reveals her mesmerizing charisma, and a perfect smile that windows her enchanted life. She is a woman that can easily be noticed in the crowd, who can blow air of positive vibes and beyond her strong personality reflects an innocent girl. I managed to have my time with her even after my buddy’s wedding and we start getting to know each other, I adore her vulnerability and her sweet thoughts that can make a warrior surrender his arms. I found a company with her and I enjoyed all her advice. There’s something in that woman that makes my life stopped for a moment and left the puzzle of me unraveled. The treatment became more serious and as sweet as the nectar until I felt that this ingénue was falling so deeply to me, she keeps on telling me that I am her savior, her prince, her baronet and that she can’t continue her life without me by her side. One night in the darkroom, an unexpected thing happened, we were so blinded by our emotions that we did something I never thought would ruin our friendship. We shared this pleasure together and she gave me the most precious gem she’d been keeping all her life. I know how worthy it is for her and for the first time in my life I felt I am a real man but despite that bliss was fear and guilt inside me. The confusion was coming again, the history of my identity was slamming in my heart and I am powerless to fight with my thoughts, the memories of my best buddy and his wedding brought me into the shadow of grief. I want to bid his guidance now but he’s not around, here lying beside me was the woman who can give me everything not only her gem and happiness but her whole life but I can’t give her anything in return. I can share my company, lend my ears, offer my shoulder, make memories with her but I can’t be the person she wanted to be. I’m only a friend and that’s all I could offer. My tears were flowing again while she was deeply asleep beside me with the blanket over her breasts. Everything was a mistake, I should not let her fall, I should not let these things happened, I should not take her gem but we already fell into this trap and I cannot get things back the way it used to be. I want to tell her about my identity but I was even unsure of myself. I want to fulfill her dreams of living with her baronet but I don’t want to cheat on her and live behind my shadow. I want to be me, the real me. The night was blowing all the strength I have and I am too weak to choose between hurting someone and hurting myself. So I just leave the room with unraveled thoughts and a poignant scar in my heart. I know that this woman would understand me far better as I can understand myself, she’s not languid and I’m sure that she can continue her life without me and her love for me would die a natural death at the perfect point of the clock’s hand. After a month, there’s no sign of the Ingénue but I could still remember those reckless steps that night, I still feel sorry for leaving her without any word but that scenario completes the puzzle of my life. From the confusion, my feeling towards my best buddy, the affection when he chose to settle down up to the decision I made that night to leave the girl I am sure would be my future bride are the steps that cleared my vision and complete the missing part of myself. Now, I am sure of who am I and without any doubt, I know I am gay.
